The Dreaded Impostor Syndrome

Impostor Syndrome defined as "is a concept describing individuals who are marked by an inability to internalize their accomplishments and a persistent fear of being exposed as a 'fraud.'" This is the common experience and feeling that all graduate students experience. It's something that I experience every now and again. It's a feeling that you sit in a class and you don't feel like you can make an adequate comment or point for discussion. I felt a bout of impostor syndrome in my Higher Education course. In this class, I am the only WGS Master's student taking the course filled with first and second year Education Administration students and with a few PhD students. But another interesting element in this course is that the majority of the students are either have graduate assistantships (GA) in Higher Ed/Student Affairs positions or the students have administrative positions. There was an evident gap in the sources of knowledge and experiences (that I am fortunate that my professor is aware of throughout the course). But as we began to discuss the readings and begin presentations, the inadequacy and dread began. I had those thoughts of "Do I belong in this course?", "Maybe I should read more to be more prepared for these discussions," or "How can I be better prepared for this course?" These questions swarmed my head in the first few weeks until I talked to my professor and explained to her how I felt a little lost when understanding the course materials. The only theories that I know of are feminist theories and those are not always applicable in the context of our discussions. I was thankful for how understanding she was (but she provide very non-judgement and open learning space). I reached out to my professor after class and explained to her my trouble and later, she emailed me multiple articles about theories in Higher Education and was willing to meet me in her office hours. In the following class, she opened up a discussion focused around me, which took me by surprised. She asked the class, "So, this part of the discussion, we are going to answer questions to help Shawntal better understand Higher Ed/Student Affairs and the institution." This was the guidance I needed in this course to better understand the institution, Student Affairs and everything in better. It's nice to have a classroom that is not competitive but it is very collaborative. It provides spaces for student to fully thrive in discussions. It's nice.

I am fortunate for this type space outside of my WGS courses because I am aware that my future courses may not look like this. But in the midst of my impostor syndrome I had to recognize within myself that I am still learning. This course is new for me. This is all new for me and it's okay that I don't know anything of the in's and out's of Higher Ed. I have to learn every more so to become okay with asking questions and being wrong. I am learning to be comfortable without knowing the answers to every question; sometimes I look to others to help me learn or sometimes I have to teach myself. But ultimately, this is a learning process.

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