My Drive, My Determination and Ambition

I have heard the term "determined" and "ambition" used to describe me and I would truly describe myself as those concepts. I have to continuously keep myself motivated and keep on going because I didn't expect to have the opportunity of graduate school to be a tangible option for me. I remember my freshman year of my undergrad and how the reality check sunk in that I had to take out loans... My mom reasoned with me that I had to take out to loans because she could not pay them for and I would not have enough money to pay my loans back as a lowly freshman trying to support herself. It was those moments in undergraduate that I had to learn how to be advocate for myself and be my own biggest fan for my dreams and my goals. The idea of paying back loans and the fear of unable to pay for my undergraduate career kept the lingering doubt in my head that if I cannot pay for my undergraduate, what makes me think that I could pay for my graduate school tuition? (Fast forward, I found the Ronald E. McNair Scholar programs but you get the point! LOL).

At times, I have to be my biggest advocate for myself to believe that I can apply for said-job, said-graduate program, said-internship. Self-doubt always seems to flare up within me and I have to remember you are here for a reason. Self-doubt always sneaks into my head and makes me believe that I am not good enough for said-position because I don't have said-credentials on my CV. Self-doubt seems to find itself turning into fear, denial, and lastly, manifesting in impostor syndrome. I have anxieties applying for jobs, looking at my future goals and the stability of my end goals... I find myself thinking, "What if I don't get the job?", "What if I'm not happy with my trajectory?", "What if...." I have doubts all of the time... My thoughts can be a blessing in creativity and idealism and a curse in realism. It's a process for me. Self-doubt clouds my vision at times.

In the ways I attempt to maintain my ambition and motivation is allowing myself to build and rebuild my intrinsic motivation, remembering my goals, and remembering why I am here. I look at job posting on Higher Education websites, read articles about student affairs positions, every Tuesday I am excited for my Leadership in Higher Education class. There are these things that keep me grounded in my goals because I don't want to self-doubt to push me off my path. Some days, it's rough to find purpose... Other days, I have reaffirmed why I am here. It's all a process.

#ImpostorSyndrome #Affirmation #BlackGirlMagic #BlackGradsMatter #Reflection