The Outsider Within Syndrome

In my Feminist Theories course, we read Patricia Hill Collin's "Outsider Within" piece and by the looks of the title of my post... It's not a real syndrome or disorder but it's how I feel when I navigate spaces that difficult for me to be in. For example, I attended an ASPA (American Society for Public Administration) meeting on campus with seasoned academic advisers, which is one of career paths I'm interesting in work in. (Either Student Affairs or Academic Affairs, but we'll find out about this). But in this space, I sat in a room full of advisers and it was an interesting feeling; there were not "you're not supposed to be here," glances per se, but I did have a specific presence within the room. The room was predominately White with a speckle of WOC and MOC... But it's interesting how I still felt visible within the space. I had to reassure myself that I belonged in that room and it took me a lot to get out of the house that morning and attend this meeting. My thoughts and doubts were swarming around my head, "What if I am the youngest person there?" So? "What if they know I'm not adviser?" And then what, Shawntal? "What if they ask me what am I doing here?" I mean, those are realities for some individuals and my fear walking into that room was that it was going to happen to me. I assure you... It didn't.

It was relaxed space and even more so that the discussion of the day was over Stress Management. It was a nice way to relax all of those fears and doubts out of my head especially. It was realizing that this space was important for me to be in because during the meditation exercise I envisioned myself as an academic adviser working with a Black student on their class schedule. It was reassurance I needed and I deeply appreciate that they had meeting and discussions like this because it is so important. But it's these moments that I have to continuously make myself go to these meetings regardless of how uncomfortable or doubtful I am because I know my passion and dream is to work with students of color and allow them to have representation within institutions who are willing to work alongside them throughout their college careers.

#BlackGirlMagic #BlackGradsMatter #ImpostorSyndrome #Adjusting